Through Beyond Ex-Gay, Christine and I received a message from a parent wondering if he should attend his son’s wedding. In corresponding with this man, I felt moved by the humility and openness I sensed in his e-mails.
After considering conversations with friends whose parents did attend and those who did not attend their ceremonies, I wrote some thoughts down. Below is his original message followed by my response.
As a Roman Catholic, and the father of a Gay son, I am at a crossroad. As a devout member of my faith and Church, I don’t know if I should attend a ceremony if my son decides to marry one of the same sex. I love my step-son very much. That is why I used the word father instead of step-father. I have never had any problem with his choice of living, nor do I forbidden for joining us at holidays and bring his partner.
But the idea of marriage is something that my wife and I are debating quietly. Could you help me?
Here’s my answer:
Thank you so much for writing. Your message touches me deeply. In it I hear your love for your child. Mixed with love I hear the religous conflict that creates complications in regards to a possible marriage. That you seek out answers and communicate your thoughtfulness and concern reveals much about you.
I know of gay men and women who have fairly decent relationships with their parents, but because their parents chose to not attend their child’s wedding, the son or daughter felt deeply hurt and disappointed. They understood that their parents did not endorse the wedding. The son or daughter never wanted an endorsement. They wanted to share their special day, perhaps the most important day of their lives, with the people they love the most. In some cases as a result of the parents opting out and the hurt and tension it produced, a wall of sorts has developed between parent and child.
When you go to your son’s wedding, it is a statement that you love him and that HE is more important than any issue in either of your lives.
Family members do not always approve or feel thrilled about the partners people choose. Awhile ago a female cousin of mine married a man that most of us could not stand. Loud, obnoxious, opinionated, he alienated lots of people with his big mouth. But my cousin loved him, and through the years we have seen how happy she has been and how wonderfully he treats her. I went to her wedding so many years ago because she is family. My love for her trumped any misgivings or discomfort I had.
You can be loving and loyal to your son without compromising your faith. This wedding will be his special day, and it sounds like he would want you there regardless of how you feel about two men marrying. Your relationship runs deeper than that, and from I can see in the Gospels, Jesus cares about relationships, good loving relationships, above making a point. In fact, I think that was his point when he dined with folks that the religious leaders rejected. Besides the first miracle he performed was at a wedding (after his mother asked him).
I do hope you attend your son’s wedding even if it causes discomfort. I believe that in the end you will have far less regret if you go than if you do not attended.
You are such a sweetheart.
That’s all.
Bye, now.
Those are such good reasons to attend a wonderful event, and I agree wholeheartedly. But I have another dilemma. In a couple of months, I will most likely be invited to attend a wedding of a heterosexual couple, and I am good friends with the young man’s mother.
Here is the problem: I know that the young man has quietly dated men during his college years. His mother, my friend, does not know this, or she could just be in a very convincing stage of denial. Now he has chosen to become engaged to a nice girl and the wedding is in 4 months. I’m fairly sure that my friend does NOT know about the same-sex dating, and I do know that she’s neither accepting nor affirming of people who are gay.
Added information is that this man is a preacher’s son, and very active in church – albeit an “emerging church” style of church, but it is basically one where homosexuality is rarely mentioned. Even this weekend they held one of those, “Every Man’s Battle,” seminars, and the thinking is that all behavior can be sorted into sin/non-sin, and it is assumed that heterosexuality is the norm.
I should let others know (you do know, Peterson) that I was married to a gay man for a LONG time. I know the heartbreak of giving up my husband and our life together. Even though I am fortunate enough to have wonderful loving children and great memories, nothing compares to the soul-damage that has been caused to me. Because my husband has recently come out very publicly, we have no more secrets, including the fact that my friend knows how devastating this has been for all of us.
I’m not even saying that the young man is gay (but why else does a guy date a guy, and it is my opinion that he is) but when the time comes, do I go? I’m not about to out this wonderful young man (he’s a gem!) but how do I stand by and watch this? At the LEAST, I think that the girl should know the reality of the situation, and maybe she does.
Question: Do I have any say in this? Do I just go and go quietly? Can I speak into this at all prior to it happening?
Plus any comments?
I want to point out something:
binary “gay/straight” views are deeply spiritually wounding for people like me. I’m bisexual; I’m interested in men *and* women. I know men who are afraid of relationships with me for fear that I’ll just leave them for a woman, as well as women who have concerns that I’ll leave them for a man. Of course, this problem has become less common over the last ten years.
A very large number of people five years younger than me (and younger) don’t really have any concepts of “gay/straight.” They like who they like and that’s it. This is particularly the case among those who weren’t even old enough to understand what in the world Ellen DeGeneres was talking about when she had her famous “coming out” episode.
I’m guessing that the guy is my age, in which case I’d urge you to be very careful. My advice is to talk to him and “get the score” if you talk to anyone.
To the man whom Peterson quotes…
Go and support your son. He will know it is because you love him deeply, not that you have come to firm conclusions that you support his marriage.
My partner and I are coming up to our sixth wedding anniversary (we had a service of commitment, prior the civil partnerships being legally recognised in this country – England). My partner’s parents attended, mine did not. Six years later, it still grieves me on a very real level. I have recently talked to my mother about this and it was an extremely difficult conversation, but also very healing one. There have been times when I think she did the right thing not coming, because I know how difficult she would have found the day and I would have wanted her there, giving her blessing, not struggling. However, when we recently spoke, she told me that my wedding day was the hardest day of her life because she knew how much she was hurting me by not being there.
It will be a mixed day for you, perhaps offering joys and sadnesses. But don’t look back and regret not going. You might be surprised; it might be a beautiful day.
I love your response, Peterson. Often, families have “issues” when a family member gets married – are they ready, is he mature enough, etc – but they still go and celebrate, knowing that the chances of a successful and happy relationship are enhanced when there are family and friend supports.
As to the second response (the man who also dates men) – the big issue is not the person’s sexual orientation, but honesty in the relationship. When one spouse entering a marriage is hiding something big (infidelity, addictions, etc) it sets up for a very tough time.
JoshH, I hear what you are saying. Too often in the LGBT community and in the Ex-Gay Movement people do not recognize the existence of bisexuals. I have met many bisexual woman and some bisexual men and know that they are wired very differently from me. Their sexuality and experiences are valid and need to be heard.
Though regards to the circumstances that Carol shares, I need to agree with Brad. It is one thing for someone to be open his potential partner, family and friends about his bisexuality. It is quite another to have had a secret past that included male sexual partners. I have met too many men who have hid their pasts thinking they left it behind them only to end their heterosexual marriages to go an pursue a relationship with another man.
Perhaps Carol’s friend is genuinely bisexual, but does his future spouse know this? I believe she deserves to have informed consent to this marriage. If the husband carries shame and guilt about his sexuality along with secrets, it will only serve to undermine the marriage.
I know a wonderful man who is married to a woman and is also openly bisexual. They have two children who also know their father has had boyfriends in the past just like they know their mother has former boyfriends. He remains committed to his wife, content in that relationship, while acknowledging that he is also attracted to men. In this case I see lots of openness, honesty and intimacy that helps to keep this marriage strong.
Carol, I agree with JoshH. I think you need to speak directly to your friend, not his wife or anyone else. Share your story (if he doesn’t already know) and the pain you experienced. Share your concerns and even your doubts. He may welcome a talk with you, in fact, he may right now be wishing he could talk to someone about all of this.
Well said.